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Restless

I'm writing this in a little apartment in Rochester, and I'm feeling restless. I'm not quite sure what brought it on.

There are a few reasons I feel restless, from a job that "I have a pretty good shot at getting," according to the recruiter, to some very pointed questions asked by my brother about just what I am doing with my life, to the fact that one major client dried up and I'm left free-falling a bit. Most of those are negative, except for the aforementioned job, which leaves me feeling extremely hopeful and more nervous the more days I go without hearing from the recruiter.

However, there are a couple of positive things, too. I managed to get a minor job just by giving one client a nudge, and the job, while slightly tedious, wasn't that bad. I've done a couple of uncredited blog posts that have resulted in some fast cash sent my way via PayPal, and I've been throwing myself into the job of sending out queries and job applications. I won't say how much I billed for so far this month, but it was really nice to see it come about as the direct result of my efforts.

Thing is, though, I want some more. I want more money, but more than that I want to feel as though I'm working. In fact, I'm a little anxious right now when I'm not working, disconnected from the Internet and unable to send out more queries. It's kind of a nice feeling, and it's also a feeling I'd like to let go.

See, this restless feeling is also making me feel discontent. I really want some results, and I'm not getting them. There's a Carolyn Arends song called "Seize the Day." It was a favorite of mine for awhile, until the point came where seizing the day was all well and good, but it was leaving me drained and not feeling as though I was getting any results. I'm kind of in this "seize the day" mode again, and I suppose that this time, I'd like to feel more that I've come out ahead than anything else. I want something with immediate results. Maybe I just need some more patience. We'll have to see.

Chris

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